I went to the Olympics and all I got was these stupid red mittens.

Hey women folk! What's up w/ following the herd like a bunch of lemmings?

OK, Gentlemen, up here the hot souvenir/fashion statement are these red mittens w/ a Canadian maple leaf and the Olympic Vanoc logo. You know why they are so popular? G'damn Oprah and The Today Show. So Katy and every other female we know has been bugging us for a pair of these things.

So here's how you get them: 1) Go to the only officially licensed store that has them in stock. 2) Get laughed at for asking for a pair and get told to come back at the opening each day. 3) Opening is at 9am, but be there by 6:30am. 4) Ridiculous. 5) Listen to your wife pine away about how great these would look on her. 6) Promise to get up early as I do it anyway for a living... 7) Smile smugly as you know you have a lot of bourbon and beer in your belly and you would promise to tickle a grizzly bear's balls at that point (or one of the Russian fan's testicles). 8) Sleep soundly as Katy grumbles and slips away at 6:15 the next AM. 9) Wait 3 1/2 hours for her to return and explain it was the best Olympic experience she has had at Whistler. 10) Oh only two pair per customer... 11) The pair I am wearing are Katy's. I was not worthy of a pair. C'est la guerre.